Nine9, the vocalist of the group Dear Cloud and a good friend of recently deceased singer Kim Jong-hyun, has revealed a painful suicide note that the latter passed to her prior to his passing.
The note, which was translated by Korea Herald, revealed the painful and heartbreaking truth about Kim’s mental health as he admitted to be suffering from depression.
“I could not beat the negativity. I hated myself. Even though I tried so hard demanding my memories that kept getting cut off to ‘wake up,’ all I got in return was silence. I‘d rather stop if I cannot breathe,” he wrote.
Admitting that he felt utterly alone, Kim also expressed his intention of ending his life, although admitted the difficulties of making such a decision.
“I’ve been struggling through the difficulty. I told myself that it‘s just me wanting to run away from everything. It’s true. I really did want to run away. From me. From you.
I asked, “Who‘s there?” It’s me. It‘s me again. And it’s me the third time. I asked, “Why do I keep on losing my memory?” They said it’s due to my personality. I see. It’s all my fault,” he said.
Kim also talked about the questions he had about life and death, and confessed that he was unable to remain positive about his thoughts.
“I never got the chance to learn how to change dull pain into pure joy. Pain is just pain. I kept reprimanding myself not to do so.
Why? Why can‘t I even end my life with my own will? I tried figuring out the reasons for my pain and suffering. I already had the answer. I was in pain because of me.”
Kim also expressed his surprise at how people who suffer worse than him seemed to be able to live perfectly fine, and came to the conclusion that “there is no one who is suffering worse and no one who is weaker.”
“Clashing with the world was never meant for me. The life of fame was never meant for me. That’s all the reason why it hurts. Because I’m famous. Why did I choose this? It’s so funny. That’s why they say it‘s hard to go against the world and to become famous. Why did I choose this path? It’s quite funny now that I think about it. It‘s a miracle that I endured through it all this time,” he added.
The note ended with him saying his goodbye.
According to Nine9, she contemplated a lot about releasing the note, but did so as it was what Kim requested of her. She also stressed that the note was released with the singer’s family permission.
Prior to his death, Nine9 shared that she even talked to the singer’s family about his situation and tried to help, but to no avail.
(Photo Source: Kim Jong-hyun Instagram)